I know you're gonna like it.

When I was seven, I was standard 1. (haha like duh)
On the third day of my primary school life,
I decided to play catching with some of my little friends.
If I'm not wrong those friends were Su Lyn, Pui Yean, Edwina and another two girls I think.
But I clearly remembered the other three there at that time.

Before I had left for school (SKDJ 1) that day,
My babysitter, Mama Nancy gave me a bottle of barley to take to school with me.
I was so thrilled I kept holding on to the small bottle of barley. (I was seven laaa.)

We started our game of catching with the usual 'Who's shoe is the dirty shoe',
and then we all started running.
I don't remember who was the 'catcher' at the time.

I ran while holding on to my little bottle of barley,
excitedly I ran around the poles hoping she wouldn't catch me. (the poles were our 'houses' where the catcher couldn't get us, and also a place for us to rest after running around)

I turned around and I saw her running towards me.
I quickly turned and headed for my 'house'.
As I was in the midst of running,
I suddenly felt myself falling.
The thoughts going through my head were, "daddy's gonna scold me I hope they don't call my parents." (I used to fall down a lot during ages 6 to 10 and my dad would screw me everytime I did =.=)

I don't really remember what happened afterthat,
but Im supposing that after hitting the ground, I slided at quite a fast speed (due to the running)
and my mouth hit one of the poles.
I don't remember how the pain was like, or if there was even any pain at all.
What I do remember was that I saw something like half of one of my front tooth in the sand through the tears blurring my eyes.

My other friends crowded around me as I lay on the floor,
but none tried to help me up.
They just looked down upon me with curious eyes.
I felt so helpless.

And then this elder girl, I still remember her name was Michelle Yap, hoisted me up and brought me to the office with the help of one of her friends.
The discipline teacher at that time was Pn. Tai.
She washed my bloody gums for me, and when I looked myself in the small mirror,
the whole of my right front tooth was gone.

At the age of 7, most of my milk teeth had already dropped off and my two front teeth were already permanent ones.
My tears kept rolling down my cheeks.
Not in pain, but in fear.
In fear of what my Daddy and Mummy would say.
I knew my Daddy was going to scold me.

My Dad came and took me to the dentist.
I was too afraid to look at his face, because I knew he'd be angry.
Then he held out his hand to me, and I took it.
We walked out of the classroom and to the carpark together.
I caught a glimpse of his expression as he was driving,
and noted that he didn't look the least bit crossed.
He was wearing another weird expression which I couldn't comprehend at the time,
but now I know that that expression was one of worry.

After some X-Rays, and wound cleanings,
the dentist said that half of my front tooth was broken in half,
and the other half had been hammered back into my gum, crushing all the roots.
My tooth was dead.

Afterthat, we waited two years for it to come back out,
and then my dentist put a cap over it to make it look like a normal tooth.
Its grown brown over the years, due to the (I don't know the word for it) used to keep the cap from collecting dirt and rotting.
The dentist then told me that I'd have to wait til I was 13 or 14 to have it crowned.
That seemed like such a long wait to a little 9 year old.

Well, my appointment is at 2.30pm, and Im finally gonna get this baby fixed.
No more ugly front teeth for me! :D

Emperor

I mixed some Dettol with warm water,
dipped a piece of cotton into it put it around the infected piercing on my ear,
and pressed. Hard.

I let out a little scream.
I took deep breaths.
Then removed the cotton.
Blood and pus sticking to it..

I repeated the procedure til my mixture of Dettol was finished.

And thats how I am fixing my piercing.
I can't believe I never thought of washing my wound with Dettol.
Maybe its because when I was young I used to fall down alot,
and my dad would wash all my wounds in Dettol.
He'd rub my wounds with cotton soaked in Dettol hard, til all the pus and dirt came out and he'd only stop when fresh blood starting oozing out.
None of those were ever good experiences.
Quite traumatizing, in fact. Its no wonder I didn't think of it.
Its more like I locked the idea out.

And why am I telling you all this shit?
Hahahahhahaha because I'm uploading pictures to Photobucket and got nothing to do during the wait.

Feeling disgusted? Hehe.

Mmm yeah, a full update on what's been happening in my not-so-happening life.


During my last night in Penang,
my cousin's and I went for a steamboat barbeque.
Its RM16 for all you can eat.
For those of you who don't know what a steamboat barbeque is,
its sort of like, a steamboat and a barbeque together.
Geddit? There's a picture below.
Hahahhahaa I suck at describing things.

I ate like the pig I am, and that resulted in my piercing becoming severely infected. =.=
I should have heeded the myth about red meat and eggs causing piercing infections.

Well, at least the food was good and the cooking part was fun. :)







Mmmm yeah.
Few days ago I went for this survey thing for Clean&Clear with Wong, RahRahChan and MayMay.
We stopped by McD's for Steph's lunch before heading to the venue.



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Hahahahahahahahaha Wongggg. :D



We got RM80 in cash and a bunch of freebies.
Gosh, I keep collecting money but spend three times faster than I collect.
My money keeps running out! I have to stop being so extravagant.
But the thing is I am not even being extravagant! (I think)
I am just buying essentials!
Like food and clothes.. and more food.
I should cut down on the food. =/
Then maybe I could lose some flab, too.
I am all talk but no action.. gah.

Owh yeah did I mention that RahRahChan has GORGEOUS handbags?
Gosh, I hate her! I wanna steal all her bags.
All those beautiful bags..
I've been using the same old piece of shit since last year!
Its so old and dirty already.
*makes mental note to buy a new BIG handbag*

*crycrycry*

Moving on,
Went to The Curve yesterday to meet up with Lynn and MayMay at the eyewear shop.
They both bought coloured contact lenses.
MayMay bought forest green and amethyst,
while Lynn got the hazel, I think.
I'm going to the eye doctor's to get my contact lens tomorrow with my darling mummy.
At least now that she's paying for it I have a little extra cash to go around..
Sigh. but as usual, it'll be gone in a flash. =.=
I really have to keep track of my money..

The weather is getting kinda creepy.
Its like, the sky outside is so dark but the sun is still shining so brightly!






The colour doesn't look that obvious though..
Mmm I was thinking of getting turqoise.

We walked around a bit,
met up with Siang and Joe and together we went to catch a movie.
We watched Accepted.
It was pretty funny, and I found it kinda inspirational.
Especially the last part when he was giving his speech in court.

We went to starbucks afterthat.




Legs! Quite obvious whose legs belong to whom, eih? Heh.





Joe looks so cute here haha :D



After they all went over to Joe's I walked to Guardian pharmacy to get some antiseptic cream for my ear.
I asked the lady working there and she showed me where it was.
Damnit, I didn't know Burnol was an antiseptic cream!
I thought it was only for burns and the like.
=.= gosh I am so stupid. And there I was searching the house for antiseptic cream and thinking that I couldn't find any..

Anyway, as I was searching the racks, I saw this woman walking by holding a leash.
The first thought that popped up in my head was that she had brought her doggy into Ikano.
But it was no dog that I saw at the end of the leash; it was (I assume) the lady's little girl, looking about 4 years old.

She leashed her daughter to her???
That seems pretty.. animal-ish, don't it?

On the way home I told my mum about it,
and she said that its pretty common amongst the westeners and their children.
I was quite appalled.
My mum further explained that it kept the child close to them while giving them a bit of freedom to roam around without getting lost.
She also added that she should've used it on it when I was young since she kept losing me in public areas. =.=

Do you see the leash over there in the middle?

Had another barbeque after coming back from The Curve.
The food was wonderful.
My Aunt from Sydney came here and with her she brought a whole bunch of marinated raw beef steaks and super fat sausages.

Yes, more beef. But I decided to fuck my ear and just eat.
And that was what I did.
I am a pig laa.




Uncle Brett working the grill
Do you see those absolutely delicious fat sausages over there?






She also prepared some mushroom sauce to go with the beef steak.
The sausages were orgasmic.
So bloody orgasmic.

I am more of a lamb person, but the beef last night was spectacular.

My aunt's whole family loves dogs.
They have about 6 dogs, the last I counted.
Their latest one is a pure bred Schnauzer named Kaiser.
He's kinda cute.




Little Kaiser has an original Gucci collar.


But the dog that I love most is my cousin Genevieve's Shih Tzu.
He is the cutest, most arrogant, most lovable pooch EVER.

I present to you..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Isn't he just the cutest?




I am so getting a dog after I move out.



Mmm yeah, and thats all.
Machi's coming home tomorrow!
I can't wait.
I miss her. :(

And besides, I need her to go to Zara with me on Friday.
Hehe. :)

And yes, to all form 5's our there who's sitting for SPM,
I'd like to wish y'all good luck and break a leg!

Can someone tell me?

There's been a perpetual thumping in the temples of my head since I woke up this morning.
Went for this survey thing; Wong recommended me.
Got free Clean&Clear stuff and RM80. (WEEEEE! THAT HALF-CARDIGAN FROM ZARA IS SO MINE!)
At least I got something out of sitting there with my headache giving me hell.
I like money.

Mum dropped by the salon before heading home so she could get her hair washed and cut.
On the way home, I broached the subject of me joining again.



Mum, I wanna go back.



She didn't respond at first, but then as usual she gave me a whole bunch of reasons why I shudn't go back and tried to convince me not to.
I kept telling her that I'd keep my results in good shape and that I won't hurt myself and kept trying to convince HER to let me go back.



But girl, next year's your SPM. You have to concentrate on your studies.



When she said that, I knew I was losing the battle.
What good way to convince me that I shudn't go back to something which would take up a lot of my time, wear me out and make me skip a few classes than to threaten me with my future.
And SPM is my future.
The starting of it anyway.



Mum, everything will finish by the end of June! I will still have four months to go before SPM.



I noticed that when I was giving her reasons as to why she should allow me to pursue what I enjoy, I was not only trying to convince her; but also myself.
I know that if I go back, I'd be taking on a lot of extra pressure.
But then I think the pressure I would be enduring the whole of next year if I go back would be extremely worth it, because I'd get to do what I want; what I enjoy.
And yet there's a thought in my mind which screams:



"What if I don't do well for SPM? What if my lazy self takes over again and I don't do well in my term and monthly exams and trials? What if I let down my parents, my teammates who are also my friends, and ultimately myself?"



I realized that I could not even convince myself as to why I should allow myself to go back.
I keep telling myself that others have done it during their SPM year, and did well for the exam anyway.
I keep telling myself that if they can do it, I can do it too.
I mean, why not, right?
And then another thought pops up in my head.
Those people are smart and hardworking, two things which I lack.
Would I be able to achieve what they have, if I tried?
Would I be able to stand the pressure throughout and not crack halfway?



Baby, next year is your last year. I don't want you to screw it up and regret it later.
Precisely, mummy! It IS my last year, and I want to enjoy it as long as study for my SPM.



Regret.
If I do go back, and I don't keep my scores up properly I don't want to regret ever going back. But the thing is, I have a choice in that. I can choose to work to keep my results in acceptable figures AND also do what I love.
But if I don't go back, then I'd always regret never going back.
And in that, I won't have a choice anymore. Because its now or never.
No turning back.



And its not just your results I am worrying about. What about safety? You're always carrying people and doing crazy stunts. What if something bad happens? I know you will be careful, but what if? If something bad does happen, you may have to stay back a year to complete your SPM, and you don't want that, do you?



It is true. There is a possibility.
But things like this have never really happened! Not that I know of anyway. (TOUCH WOOD TOUCH WOOD!)
The worst I'd heard of the injuries were sprained ankles, pulled muscles, and the one where Sandra had to go to the hospital because she bruised her ligament.
But that was all.

Finally she relented a bit, and asked for reasons why I wanted to go back so badly.
I answered, short and simple.



It is something I love, something I enjoy.



But apparently that wasn't enough.
And I just couldn't think of anything else to say!
I loved cheerleading, and I want to go back to it.
Isn't that reason enough?



Sigh.
Girl, listen to mummy, you've had your chance. You even reached the top spot, now its time to concentrate on your future.



She kept using the word "future".
I KNOW its my future.
But I don't want to look back in the future and regret not pursuing the matter.

My ear still hurts like fuck.
Does anyone know whether ear infections can lead to fevers?
Cos I feel as if I am having one now.
I have to fix my ear, pronto.


Anyone have any suggestions on how to cure piercing infections?




p/s: I've already taken out the stud, but the infection isn't going away. :(

Omg laaahhh.

Was really sleepy when I came back,
but now I am feeling wide awake thanks to all these emotions;
Fear, anxiety, and annoyance at myself.

Fear, because when I went into my bathroom to relieve my bladder,
a HUGE, muthafucking cockroach was there.
I ran out to get my Mortein Liquid and ran back to the door of my bathroom;
shut me eyes and sprayed, and sprayed, and sprayed, and sprayed, and sprayed until I felt the can become quite considerably lighter and then I stopped.
The bathroom was quiet. No sounds coming from the bloody roach,
but the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.
I've been holding my pee since then.

Anxiety; because I was so blur today, I had totally forgotten to pass Xinhui the money before she left 1U.
Daaammmnnn.. I am so fucking blur! Gosh, why didn't it occur to me that they needed money for the bloody groceries?
Anyway, its a long story. One that I do not care, or want to repeat for that matter.
Yes, and this is where the anxiety kicks in.
Will I be able to get the money to her on time?
Gah. Yeah, I will, but I'll have to trouble her mum alot.. sigh.
And also the reason why I am so thoroughly annoyed with myself for being so careless grrr.
=.= Screw myself and my blurness and my carelessness lah, seriously.
I keep chiding Machi for being blur, when I am not that alert myself. =.=

Owh yes, speaking of machi, she left for Macau this morning.
I miss her already. :(
What the hell am I gonna do for the rest of my days?

Wow thats more emotions than I thought there were.

K. Lets just pray everything goes well tomorrow morning..
G'nite.




I still need to pee.

Irksome

The Logan's. They were a normal family, consisting of two parents, and their only daughter. Having a normal dinner of fried trout together.


"Annabelle, enough with the piercings already. Look at your left ear, that area is certainly not one for piercings! And besides, it looks as if its terribly infected!" the mother said as her fingers touched the upper part of her daughter's left ear.

The Logan family were a very old fashioned one. But although raised in a very old-fashioned way with very old-fashioned thinking, the only daughter of the family took no care whatsoever as to what her family thought, as long as what she was doing was not against the law or in any way harmful to her health. And the last time she checked, ear piercings were not against the law.

The daughter immediately began to swat her mother's hand away; as if swatting a fly.

"Mum, please. Enough with that already. I know what I am doing." replied her ever hard-headed, willful and perhaps a little more ignorant than she would ever think she was daughter.

"I've given up trying to be a good father. If anything happens to you, don't come to me; except if its something normal. Otherwise, don't come to me. Go to your mother." exclaimed the man of the family, with blood rushing to his face.

"What do you mean by normal? Please define." the daughter spat the questions out in annoyance, with the last sentence laced with dripping sarcasm.

"Such as, if you have a flu or a fever; the normal sicknesses, you may come to me. But if you ever get AIDS or some other big disease, then don't come to me. I do not want to know."
the father replied, his entire head red with rage now.

"Yes, dad. So when there comes a day when you have noticed that I did not come home, it means that I either got laden with child, or that I had gotten AIDS or both and- "

"Don't you dare threaten me! I am just saying that I shan't be responsible for your actions!" the father interrupted.

The daughter had wanted to say that she has never went to him at all whenever she fell sick; always to her mother. It was him who was given the task of bringing her to the doctor's everytime she fell sick, because her mother had not the time. She also wanted to add that whenever she fell sick, it was her father who came to her to ask of her welfare, and whether she needed to see the doctor. She had never once went to him, never. But she held her tongue. She did not want to start an argument. She kept her seething rage inside. The only hint of anger she showed was by spitting her fish bones out with extra force.

Sensing the palpable tension in the air, the mother quickly resumed her small talk.

"The pears seem to have ripen, they taste much sweeter now." she said nervously, as she handed a freshly cut piece of pear to her daughter. She took it without a word.


It was just another dinner at the Logan household.







***


Hahahahahahahaha I've got 5 and a half more essays to write for my moral project and I haven't even started on my AddMaths project and both are due this week hahahahahahahahahaha.



Fuck myself and my last-minuteness. =.=

I still think you're WEIRD.

:)
Yes, I do.


Its kinda weird, when I think about how we first met.
Or rather, how I first noticed your existence haha.
You were running in the third floor corridor with your long flowy hair untied hahahaha.


Its kinda weird, when I think about the times my other friends and I used to talk about how weird you are during form 2.
You'd comb your hair in class, and during exams..


Its kinda weird, when I recall the time I felt someone feel my hair (which was then tied up into a ponytail) while I was waiting under the small shade.
I also remember it was raining bastards and bitches.
I aptly turned around, and saw you there.
"Did you do rebonding? Damn soft.."
"Er, no.. " I replied, while thinking to myself, damn freaky weiy..
It happened during form 2.


Its kinda weird, when I recall the time I found out you were pretty good friends with Ying Xian and Sarah, since you three were in the same class during form 3.
I was like, owhkaaay...
Yes, I admitt; I was still skeptical.


Its kinda weird, when I started form 4 by changing to a stream and a class where none of my old friends were.
I changed to a class with you in it, amongst other people.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I plunged in anyway.


Its kinda weird, the first time you moved your seat next to mine.
"Err.. what are you doing here?" I asked in the most polite tone I could manage, trying hard to hide my annoyance.
"Its damn hot sitting there lah, so I sit here for awhile."
I sighed.


Its kinda weird, when I think about the time you had asked to share my textbook when you had not brought yours.
"Can I share you textbook? I didn't bring mine.."
"Er, owhkay." I said, as I moved my textbook closer to you by less than 2 inches.


Its kinda weird, when I think about the time I waited patiently for 2o minutes by myself after you left the photostat shop, just so I could photostat my AddMaths textbook for you.
I had accomplished the task without getting annoyed or angry,
which was pretty weird, seeing as I am a very impatient person.


Its kinda weird, when I think about the first time I noticed that I was starting to enjoy your company, and that I could laugh freely with you, and say whatever I want without being judged.


Its kinda weird, when I think about how a school day can be so boring and difficult when you're not around.


Its kinda weird, when I think about how much I've come to depend on you.


You seem to have become the one who helps me keep my sanity in my very insane world.

I know that there were times when I took you for granted,
and I hurt you, and I made you feel lowly about yourself.
I'm sorry. I promise I'll do whatever I can so I won't make you feel that way anymore.


Thank you,
for putting up with my shit for the past 10 months.

Thank you,
for sharing my joys and my sorrows with me.

Thank you,
for being there for me when I had no one else.

And lastly, but definitely not least;


Thank you,
for being my FRIEND.

I love youuuu, Machi.
Happy Birthday.

Step back.

I have this uncanny craving to play Quadrapop and eat Sashimi.
Sigh I can't wait to get back my old phone so I can wait for it to spoil so I can get my new w900 which has quadrapop in it!
Haha but thats gonna happen like, mid of next year.
If I'm lucky perhaps after CNY.. but I'm not lah, so.

I was suppose to blog about my Genting trip,
but I am lazy lah. I don't really feel like blogging, just wanna type out some crap going around in my head while killing time before dinner's ready.
Gonna be a very wordy post.

Mmmm. This year's had so many changes for me.
Choosing a stream where none of my friends were,
making new friends, losing some old friends (I didn't exactly lose him lah, we just sort of drifted apart.. ) coping with the occasional feeling of loneliness,
all the emotional ups and downs and the likes;
all these while trying to get the hang of new subjects.

I think I'd understand Econs much more than I do now if only I didn't daydream as much when Pn. Kok was rambling infront,
and if only I had done all my homework instead of waiting for Amelia to finish hers and then proceed to copy everything down. =.=

AddMaths is a killer. I am a person with very average IQ,
and my brain doesn't function well. My reactions are very slow,
and I take a long time to understand things.
For me.. its all about practice. No such thing as doing it once and understanding it.
To cut it all short, I am slow lah.
VERY slow.

Which is why I want to say this.

Thank you, Lady Luck (if you exist)
You have helped me much in my year end exams.

Luck was seriously on my side this year end exams.
I do not know how I managed to scrape through every exam.
And yeah, I also wanna thank Vincent for teman-ing me during my drink-strong-coffee-to-keep-awake-so-that-I-can-stuff-as-much-facts-into-my-head-so-that-I-won't-fail sessions; where I had to stay up to last minute study haha.

And of course, my dearest hunny cuppacake snuckums, Machi, for bearing with my whiny-ness. (although you cracked in the end haha)

And last but not least, all my loyal readers (if I even have any HAHA)
for actually reading my whiny posts (if you actually did lah).


Ooooh dinner's ready.

So anyway, my (shitty) midyear results:

BM - 56%
Science - 62%
ModMaths - 82%
AddMaths - 28%
English - 77%
Econs - 40%
Moral - 56%
Sejarah - 76%
Accounts - 59%

And my (not so shitty but still shitty) year end results:

BM - 50%
Science - 65%
ModMaths - 89%
AddMaths - 49%
English - 87%
Econs - 49%
Moral - 65%
Sejarah - 61%
Accounts - 53%

Heh I got 28% for AddMaths and 82% for ModMaths during my midyear.
If only the number patterns were alike again this time.
Then that way I'd get 89% for ModMaths and 98% for AddMaths!
HAHA. :D:D

Some of my results dropped, and some of them improved,
but I'm just damned glad that I didn't fail anything la.
I achieved my main target this term;
and that was to pass every subject, whether it'd be merely a 40.
My overall percentage went up by 3% since my midterm.
Hopefully during the first term exam this coming 2oo7 I'll have a 70-ish percentage.
But to do that I'd have to quit my last-minute-ness, and I don't know whether I have enough willpower.. haha. As usual lah.

Well, my mummy's pretty satisfied with my results, and I am most happy about that. :D
Hmm hopefully.. just hopefully, she'd allow me to join Dynamitez again.
Hopefully lah. =/
... but I won't put much hope in it.

This has been the most wordiest post in about 3 months hahaha.
If you've survived reading up til here,
I salute you lah. Haha. You're such a nice&lifeless person HAHA just kidding. :)











Its just you and I, and our smooth, white grand piano. ;)

Sneezy sneeze

I notice that nowadays I blog almost everyday.
Some people may think, "Wah.. damn lifeless lor, she. So much time to blog."
Haha, perhaps I am abit lifeless.
But honestly, these small posts don't take up much time, just about 10 minutes a day.
And I like to blog. Seeing as there's no one to talk to at home..
I wonder when I'll cease blogging.
I mean, everything has its beginning and its end,
I wonder when this streak of mine will end.
Ah well, que sera sera; they say.

Haha yes I am back from Genting already.
It was more of a day trip, although we stayed over for a night.
It was pretty fun in all; considering I've already sat on all the rides already. A few times in fact haha.

Pictures from the trip will be up in another post.

We left genting at about 6:45am.

I was like a walking zombie.

After a few detours we reached Caryn's house in Tmn Sea.
Waited for mum to come pick me up while I played a bunch of games Caryn recommended haha.
Reached home, got rid of all the shit in my room.
Went downstairs, washed dishes.
Came back up,
passed out on my bed.

Less than an hour later, Mr.AnnoyingFather came home;
whistling like shit for me to get up to go get his lunch for him.
$#%$%^*&^%$##@)_((*&^%

Ate Asam Curry for lunch.
Talked cock with Mr. AnnoyingFather.
Washed dishes.
Came back up,
passed out on my bed.




And here I am.

On a totally unrelated note, I bought myself a pair of pumps from Voir.
And their so pretty (and cheap)!

Life Got Cold

And here I am, again.
Awake at this ungodly hour, blogging before I begin stuffing in whatever that can go into my head.

Was suppose to be doing AddMaths the entire night last night, or study moral, but I ended up spending half the night giving myself a french manicure. =.=
Im happy lah, whenever I look at my pretty nails..
But this does no good to my conscience and will not do good for my AddMaths marks and Moral marks.
I think Moral is a DUMB subject that really should NOT be included in SPM.
I'd start rambling about it now, but I don't have much time.

Yeah, so back to the french manicure.
I only did my left hand though.. cos I was trying to do AddMaths and reply Vincent on MSN at the same time.

They aren't exactly that pretty lar,
cos I sort of smudged one nail.. #@!#$@%^#%$#@#$

Haha the funny thing is, I only planned on doing two nails at first.
But ended up doing all five on my left hand haha.








Wah my fingers look so fat.
And yes, that is TerryTeeTheTutor you see on those papers.
Just proves I was trying to do addmaths while giving myself a french manicure at the same time.
I just realized something haha.
I was trying to do a french manicure (something which is pretty bimbo) and addmaths (something intellectual) at the same time.

No wonder it didn't really work out...

Blast From The Past

Edit.
1.34pm


Him and I, we had a long, long talk just now.
He started it.
It was painful at certain parts,
but I'm glad we finally talked things out, after all these years.
I guess in a way.. this was how he finished it.
I think this way, I'll finally be able to let go of what once was.



long time ago.. were you angry at me?
Angry at you?



I also found out that the reason he had stopped calling during that time was cos of a certain somebody.
A certain someone who had told him untruthful things..
Untruthful things which had made him think the worst of me,
and refused to talk to me.
I have not spoken to that person in a long, long time;
and so I will not take into account all the shit she had said to him,
which left me with a broken heart.
But the most terrible thing was that he had actually believed her;
and had not confronted me about it.



if that was the real u.. wuts the point -_-



You asked me what were we;
friends? just a cousin's cousin? strangers?
And now, after discussing everything..
I wonder what we are.
We talked about it.. but didn't come to a conclusion.
I asked you the same thing, later on in the conversation..
and you gave me one of your silly answers.



Now that everythings settled.. what are we again?
Human Beings.



After so long, we've finally closed this book, or rather just this section.
I can finally stop thinking of what could've been.
Or rather, what should've been.
Tonight's been a real blast from the past.
And everything went back to how it was before we started this whole lets-clear-things-up conversation.



Find a girl for me you know.. one who is cute and would pose like that for me.
Go away you perv.
Sigh, some people just cannott understand art.



A pretty good ending to this part of the story I'd say. :)






Haha I was abit free.
If only I used the time to study..
Gah.

I just want..

Here I am again,
late at night; or rather early in the morning,
writing; or rather typing, out my thoughts.

It really disturbs me the way he acts around me.
I've always felt that him and I have some sort of a thing.
Yeah its this topic again haha.
Maybe it was because he was sort of my first love,
and the first person I had ever felt strong feelings for.
Its been a long, long time since then.
And now we're just friends.
We once talked about the past. A few times infact.
And when I asked him if, perhaps, there was still a little.. something (?) between us?
He said he didn't know.
And as much as I hated it, I was affected by those words.
He didn't know.

Well.. we've been neither here nor there since then.
Had little.. I wouldn't call them arguements, perhaps disagreements?
Well, disagreements on very silly things.
But he'd always have a way of making everything work out in the end.
He'd always make me smile at the end of it all.

I wonder when he'll finish what he started.
I thought I had stopped waiting a long time ago.. but it seems I haven't.
I've been through so many other guys since that time.
Since that very innocent time, when we both didn't know what we were doing..
until the pain started kicking in.

Sometimes he says things which confuse me.
Yeah.. that dance.
He pushes me out, and then he pulls me back in again..
and sometimes I am left hanging.
Like now.

Cecilia Ahern's Where Rainbows End is really getting to me.
They both never told each other how they felt when they had the chance,
and when they finally got together.. they were already in their fifties.
And they had been with so many other people so wrong for them,
gotten hurt and torn apart countless times before they finally really found each other.
I don't want that to happen to me.

I guess I'll just have to stop waiting.



Me and you.. no more chance?
All the more I won't ask.

Love Me Tender

I've always wondered why guys like to treat us girls this way.
I mean, they always do the same thing, dance the same dance.
They push you out, and then they twirl you back in in a flourish.
And we girls, just, fall right back in to their arms;
eventhough we know we're just going through the same cycle..
and we'd get hurt again.

One of my close friends (I won't mention who) met this guy about 4 months back.
He was sweet and all and they clicked instantly.

She was always excited when she was about to go and meet him,
made me feel excited for her, too haha.
The first time he came over to see her was a Thursday.
She was jumping up and down and making funny faces out of excitement.

After that they really got into it. As their relationship grew,
she was happy everyday. They did almost everything couples did,
took pictures of themselves kissing..
And then the shit started.
They argued.. she cried, he didn't care.
She waits for his call, his sms, even a "hi" on msn would do.
And slowly.. he just stopped everything.
Stopped comunicating completely.. everything.

But my friend, being the strong person that she is, and also the fact that their little rendevouz didn't exactly last long, got over it soon enough.
As I, and outsider witnessed all the events happening..
it reminded me much of my own experiences.
I always manage to brush them away, but as I was looking through my picture folder,
I came across this photo that they (my friend and that guy) had taken.
And I started to think about how they had felt during the climax of their short time together,
how she felt when everything started going downhill,
how he felt when everything started going downill,
and I also wondered, perhaps, had they ever thought of what would've been?
Or what could've been?

Then I start to hurt again.. that same hurt I felt when all that shit happened to me.
I mean, I'm totally over that guy. I don't think of him anymore..
just that at times like these.. I am suddenly at a lost for words.
No matter how much I am over him, he will always, always own a part of me.
And that small part of me still hurts because of him, sometimes, albeit very seldomly.
That small part of me still thinks of what would have been, and what could have been.
And that small part of me, will always want him.
Eventhough he always does that dance with me..
Pushing me out, and then twirling me right back into his arms.



I love you.
Don't say things you don't mean..
especially when I know you don't mean them.