I have been feeling anxious lately.

Anxious for no particular reason.

I have so many things to be thankful for in my life; one can’t expect life to be completely smooth because that’s not how it works. I know this.

So why does this anxiousness still plague me?

It was triggered by that encounter with Ezra.
Which I have a part to play - I admit.

Ezra was complaining about the house being covered in cat shit - because there was shit stuck to Misa’s Butt fur. Because she doesn’t have a tail. Because he ran over her tail with Ethan’s car.

This is not the first time this conversation has come up between Ezra and Ethan, and usually, I keep silent.
But this day, I did not. I don’t know what compelled me to speak, but speak I did.
I told him it’s his fault her shit is everywhere.
He got triggered and insisted that it wasn’t his fault she ran in front of the car after he had moved her to the side.
I asked him why he was driving Ethan’s car in the first place.
He said “what? She can recognise cars now is it? Is that what you’re telling me?”
I was silent.
He said “maybe I should’ve just killed her”
I said “yeah maybe you should’ve”
He then proceeded to grab the nape of her neck; she hisses at him, but limp in his grip.
“She’s innocent put her down” I thought
“You want me to do this? Is this what you want?” I don’t actually remember him saying this, but it feels like he did.
I was silent.
Ethan tried to pacify him, telling him to put the cat down.
He continues to swing her around.
I stand up and start my phone recording.
Ezra sees me recording, and his grip loosens on her for a moment, when Ethan reaches around him and grabs misa from his grip.

Ezra proceeds to the front door shortly after to leave, but then turns around and says to me “don’t fucking test me and then get scared when I actually do it” and he walks off.

What happened right after that, I would perhaps describe it as my soul... splitting into two parts.

One part completely evil and the other completely good.

If a soul comprised of good and evil, I suppose.

And ever since then, I have been having anxiety. I call it anxiety because my heart will beat very quickly, my stomach will either be churning or in knots, and I would feel a sense of general foreboding which nothing I think of can quell.

That night and many nights after, my ‘evil’ part of my soul took over.


And though I have rationalised it all in my head,


(To be continued)