I just want..

Here I am again,
late at night; or rather early in the morning,
writing; or rather typing, out my thoughts.

It really disturbs me the way he acts around me.
I've always felt that him and I have some sort of a thing.
Yeah its this topic again haha.
Maybe it was because he was sort of my first love,
and the first person I had ever felt strong feelings for.
Its been a long, long time since then.
And now we're just friends.
We once talked about the past. A few times infact.
And when I asked him if, perhaps, there was still a little.. something (?) between us?
He said he didn't know.
And as much as I hated it, I was affected by those words.
He didn't know.

Well.. we've been neither here nor there since then.
Had little.. I wouldn't call them arguements, perhaps disagreements?
Well, disagreements on very silly things.
But he'd always have a way of making everything work out in the end.
He'd always make me smile at the end of it all.

I wonder when he'll finish what he started.
I thought I had stopped waiting a long time ago.. but it seems I haven't.
I've been through so many other guys since that time.
Since that very innocent time, when we both didn't know what we were doing..
until the pain started kicking in.

Sometimes he says things which confuse me.
Yeah.. that dance.
He pushes me out, and then he pulls me back in again..
and sometimes I am left hanging.
Like now.

Cecilia Ahern's Where Rainbows End is really getting to me.
They both never told each other how they felt when they had the chance,
and when they finally got together.. they were already in their fifties.
And they had been with so many other people so wrong for them,
gotten hurt and torn apart countless times before they finally really found each other.
I don't want that to happen to me.

I guess I'll just have to stop waiting.



Me and you.. no more chance?
All the more I won't ask.