I got bruises on my knees for you

You know you're not in love when you look at other couples' pictures and feel envious for not having what they have.



Then why am I still doing this?

I said "hey, girl with one eye"

Currently in the midst of packing up my stuff to go back to Kingston. I can say that this is when I feel most lost.

I've fallen down.

And I can't seem to get back up.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

This the ultimate emo song. I suppose the wreck of MY day was the lamb stew which I burnt after almost 3 hours of stewing.

Oh, and all the other shit which I leave unaddressed because I just can't be bothered. And then when I look back and think of all the things I could've and should've done but didn't do I ask myself: Why? When the reason is clear really. I just couldn't be arsed. So now I have to live with the memory of what could have been.

I miss Grace. I am ashamed to say that I am feeling lost and alone without her. I have got no one to ping when Im feeling annoyed or when I've discovered some good food, no one to ping when I'm bored, no one to tell me not to do things I shouldn't be doing.

And as usual, I am losing touch with the people who matter. Happened with May when I went to college, and now with Leysha. I will make more effort, I promise.

It's 1.05am, and I don't feel like sleeping. My mind is on a roll tonight, whole bunch of random things going around in my head. I am feeling strangely numb, and a little empty.

I know I should stop feeling like this, because it brings Aiman down. I need to stop feeling so shitty. I need to start looking forward, and stop faltering.

Since I got here, I've just been trudging ahead. Looking straight, lifting one foot forward and then the other and not stopping to look around, because I know if I do I'll notice that I'm actually really quite lost. So I just keep walking.

Even this blog, which has become deserted. Feels like you were once in a room telling the many people gathered to listen, but now the room is empty, and only your voice echos off the walls.

Then you sit there, by yourself.


Listening to the sound of your own voice. Reverberating, loud and clear.



What do you do now?

Why the hell does my hot chocoffee taste SALTY?

Owhkay Grace and Wei Kit are going home this weekend, and coming back on the 7th and 8th. Siang, Jade and Joe are coming down on the 22nd but going traveling on the 23rd and only coming back on the 2nd of Jan. So that's pretty much all the friends I would want to spend Christmas and New Year's with.

And that also leaves me, alone. So I'm going to Reading to stay with my cousins and not be alone :(
Also since Jon is in Portsmouth (and I assume it's near to Reading HAHA) maybe I'll go hang with him a day or two.

Other news; my hair is falling off my head in bunches. No shitz.
It's like the tress in autumn, where the leaves are falling off, particularly when the wind blows. In this case, when I run my fingers through my hair a few strands come off without fail. If this keeps up I'm going to bald.

No shitz.

Then I go on facebook and see all my friends at home; clubbing, hanging out, doing shit- and I feel crappy. I wanna go back to those times where I felt safe... where I felt like I belonged.

But I suppose this is what I am supposed to feel, right? Being out on my own in a different place. Far, far away from all that I know.

But somehow I think that these feelings began some time ago, probably in the middle of form 4.

I had moved to a class where none of my clique was in and I had to sort of make close friends all over again. It was then that I lost some friends, confidence, assertion, determination and some of what used to be my huge self esteem.

Suddenly, I was in the middle.

But of course, I gained a lot as well. I made friends with my classmates (May Yi I still love you x 100) and I saw the different social circles in a whole different way- but still, I felt like I didn't belong. May Yi made everything better those two years, but when I went to college I felt the same way again.

After that I just got used to being on my own. Sitting on my own staring into space without even pretending to be texting or surfing the net on my phone, eating on my own, shopping on my own, swimming on my own- with my thoughts as company.

Even when Leyshani and I became bestfriends, I could not and would rather not hang out with anyone else other than her, May Yi and of course, Aiman.

I've become such a hermit without even noticing it- in my little shell, reluctant to come out for anything.

I miss being sure about myself, about knowing where Im supposed to go and what Im supposed to do.

Bah well enough of this self expository shit I should change my blog layout and I should go for my 9am lecture tomorrow haha I've been skipping it for the past 3 weeks because 9am is just too friggin early.


Oh right, hot chocoffee = Hot chocolate + coffee.





I wonder how is it that I don't look like I'm balding when this much of hair is falling off my head every day.



I'll be cutting my hair this weekend. Adeline once told me that when she felt like she needed to get rid of bad juju, she'd cut her hair. Made her feel liberated, she said. So that's what I'll do. Feel liberated.

No, I won't be cutting my hair.

Grace will.

It's 6 degrees outside, but so much colder inside.

I brow-beated Leysha into making cupcakes with me, because the ones she made were so so good.




<3






They all oozed out of the thin paper cups, just as Leysha said they would, but I insisted they wouldn't.




BLOOOOD...

haha no, colouring.




Packing to leave was the hardest thing I had ever done.

But later on I had found the answer to the question, How Do You Pack 19 years of Your Life into A Suitcase?

Answer: You don't. You just take what's important, and leave the rest.

Which was exactly what I did.




Haha I know I look ugly here.

We were at Pavilion that day.




Before I left, Leysha came over to help me clean out my room. And I found this!




Hahah yes right Eryn Lim Hwee Ching how lame :p

KAMPUNG NAKED BEACH!




I found my diary from when I was Form 3, and inside I found a note a friend had passed me during class.




I hung the blue keychain Sabrina had given me for Christmas 2004. It was supposed to drive away bad spirits haha.




I thought I was artsy fartsy. haha.






The good ol' days. When I was reading my old diary I felt like the carefree child I was then.

Moving on is sad, but it has to be done.




I spent a lot of time with this book.








The highest mark I'd ever achieved in Terry's tests.








"Why won't my clothes dry? :( "

I suppose the RM50 I spent on a new tube of mascara was entirely worth it.

I just hate it when I go to a place to buy something, but end up not getting it because it isn't there/doesn't fit/wrong colour and I end up buying something else which I don't need.

So this time I went to Tesco to look for the camera shop cos my old camera had finally spoiled. I went there, and it wasn't there. Instead, Shins took its place.

Shins is a shop which sells beauty products (like Sasa), they have a few different brands of make up.

So I went in anyway (cos I like makeup haha) and saw this tube of mascara which I had tried on like years ago but never bought cos it's 50 bucks.

The mascara I've been using this whole while has been Majorlica Majorca. May Ee bought me one tube, and Lynn gave me another. So I've been using this brand for the past 3 years, and I've just finish one tube. Meaning, I have yet to finish another.

I am usually reluctant to take out an RM50 note toi pay for a tube of mascara, because I am a cheapo.
But I bought that tube of Loreal mascara anyway. Because I was pissed that the camera shop wasn't opened. It said on the tube; Waterproof and Volume Constructing.

So tonight I had a reunion with my 5 Merbau classmates, so I put on some makeup, that mascara included.

Then I spoke to you on the phone.



Now I am crying so hard, it is difficult to type. But I can see my reflection in the glass in front of me, and my mascara isn't smudging.

I am also wearing quite a thick layer of Shu Uemura black eyeliner and it isn't smudging either (this I discovered 3 years ago when I went swimming with it and it didn't smudge even a little) so there is only clear tears running down my cheeks onto my Shit Happens t-shirt, not black streaks.


RM50 well spent, I would say.

Oh, and RM65 (Shu Uemura eyeliner, I highly recommend) also well spent. As usual.

Excruciating pain

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."- Lance Armstrong

It must have been love

There are 2 things in life right now, that I know for a fact.

1. I am never going to get slimmer, or lighter.
2. My results are not going to be good.


About no. 1, I admit. I'm starting to feel insecure about my weight. I've never felt that way before, really. Never bothered about what people said or thought about my weight, never bothered imagining being one of those girls who fit into every damned thing and who look good in almost every damned thing.

But for the past few months... mostly today, I've been imagining myself with one of those skinny little figures. Imagine all the clothes I could wear!


And we'd also have one less thing to argue about.

I wish you would step off from that ledge, my friend

I am so thankful for cough mixture.

But tonight you got me sad and blue

It's hard to sleep when this bloody stabbing feeling doesn't go away.

You said you didn't want to leave your baby alone; but here I am right now... alone.



I'm glad that I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow...

Longing and yearning

Such a fine line between love and hate.

I don't even know why I bothered.

Wait... I do. I just wish he did too.



Goodnight.... And I love you.

I've got a bubu on my pinky :(

My finger hurts like a bitch.

My last finger on my right hand.

I hurt my last finger slamming my closet door.

It is now bruised  and I can feel it thumping.

There's so much pain.

I slammed the closet door because I was so frustrated.

And angry. And hurt.

With what, whom?

That, I sort of know. But I don't really know. Just sort of. You know?

I opened my closet to put three stupid Toys R Us flowers in there so I didn't have to look at them.

Stupid, stupid things.

I looked at the Nokia 8310 lying on my desk.

I picked it up and threw it to the floor, hard.

It still works. I laughed. Haha.

My pinky is still thumping because it still hurts a lot.

I sat on the floor, in the middle of my room.

And I started to cry.

Why did I cry? Because my pinky hurts.

Because I hurt it against the handle when I slammed my closet door.

Because I had to put those stupid pretty red flowers out of my sight.

Because I had to stop shaking.

Because I had to stop thinking.

But now... I need to stop crying.

I'm running to you baby.

I am in Penang, once again. Yeah, I just came last week haha.

The only reason my dad drives us up here 4 times a year was to visit my my grandmama.

And now that she's gone... guess I'll be taking the bus here next time.


I heard the news on Monday during lunch time when I was eating the cheap beef pasta Leysh and I got from Cold Storage in Midvalley.

I felt little emotion then.


But as I was walking toward my grandmother's house, carrying my purple duffel bag and my pillow like I always did since I was able to walk; I saw the white tents with tables and chairs lined outside which were set up for the guests and the driveway where my cousin's green Piccanto was parked the last time I was here sat a big paper mansion with paper servants... and my weary mother waiting for me with open arms.
I felt her frame quiver as she held me tightly and told me she missed me.

Then I felt this whole wave of emotion.

My grandmother, the only one I had ever known... had really left for a better place.

The cousin whom I grew up with was walking behind me the whole time; she had started to cry when she saw the white tents.

And like I told Slimy... I guess it didn't really sink in until I saw the funeral decoration and the coffin.


I feel funny now. Funny weird, not funny funny.

有些愛只給到這真的痛了

[12/11/08] Jay Chou bags hat-trick of World Music Awards

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Chou bags hat-trick of World Music Awards

Source: Channel NewsAsia
Credit: noreen (www.jay-chou.net)

The World Music Awards was held in Morocco's Monte Carlo recently. This prestigious annual event attracted numerous Western big name stars such as Beyonce and Mariah Carey.

And Taiwanese pop star Jay Chou became the biggest winner of this year's award by once again bagging the best selling album for the China region.

The World Music Awards is currently the only Award in the world that gives recognition to artists based on their album sales. Jay Chou performed exceptional well this year with his cowboy album "I Am Busy". Therefore it came as no surprise that Jay was announced the winner yet again.

This is the fourth time that the talented song writer snapped up this prestigious award. Impressively, by bagging this year's award, Jay also achieved a unique hat-trick of titles in this Award. He had previously won it in 2004, 2006 and 2007.

In the process, Jay also managed eclipsed Hong Kong's "God of Song" Jacky Cheung's record of two consecutive awards.

Jacky was given the award in 1995 and 1996.

Note: 2004 (Qi Li Xiang), 2006 & 2007 (Still Fantasy) and 2008 (I Am Busy). Congrats Jay! Next year, Capricorn!

Coming back to Penang really helps me get in touch with my chinese (lala, as Aiman and May would put it) self.

The past two days have been a whole process of rekindling love for my husband-






*SWOONS*



I purposely chose an act cute picture of him so as to send Aiman (or any of those people who think he's "lala") into a heart attack.


He just came up with yet another new album, which I am ashamed to say I did not know about till I came back here.

My top two favourite tracks from this new album would be 説好的幸福呢? , and 蘭亭序.

I say top two favorite, because I like ALL his songs. Hehehe.
There's none that I would mind listening to over and over again aaahhhhh he is a GOD I tell you. A GOD.


So for all the Jay fans who read my blog and the non-believers, please do listen:











I'll put a playlist in my sidebar so you can listen to his entire album there!
SPREAD THE LOOVEE!



x






14th Oct - 14th Nov




Right after that, we fought. Haha.

When I was a child, even now actually, my dad always told me that I had a penchant for getting very carried away.
And when I get carried away; I stop thinking, stop keeping myself in check.

This enitre month I've been on a I-love-my-boyfriend high.

So much so, I got carried away.

I got clingy, am still clingy... and I don't like it. Not one bit.

When we started I told myself that I will not repeat the same mistakes, one of them being clingy.


Because right now, I know I've said this a few times already-


I feel so vulnerable. In fact, I AM vulnerable.

Extremely so.


I don't like fighting, I'm still worn out from last night.



So... what I'm trying to say is, from now on, I won't get carried away anymore.

I'll keep myself in check.

Happy 1st Month, Curlykins.

I don't want to let go

But I have to. If I am to keep what I still have, I have to.

I think what frustrates me most is that I can't do anything about it. Besides let go.

And feel angry and disappointed and mostly.... helpless.

So bloody helpless.

But this time I refuse to cry anymore. I refuse.

I am selfish, so what? I don't care anymore.

He doesn't know what he's missing out on, it's his lost entirely.

His lost, completely.



This will be my last post regarding this issue.
I am above this. And by hook or by motherfucking crook, I will move on.

He will not get a second chance.



My nose is red.

I need more courage.

I know there have been an abundance of emo posts lately, I'm just going through some shit right now.


Some self-inflicted shit, seriously.


In the past week I have realized that I am more susceptible to the human condition (especially selfishness; and yes Leysh, I used your phrase hahaha) than I think I am.

I still can't believe what I thought was never gonna happen; happened, can't believe I actually faced up to it, can't believe what I had actually subconsciously expected him to do, can't believe I am now in this situation when about 3 weeks ago we were still talking and bonding and laughing, can't believe that I can feel sad even while listening to Metro Station's Shake Shake, can't believe how I keep seeing you in everyfuckingthing I do and I can't believe I'm actually taking time off... us (I don't know what other term that can be appropriately used) and I need to make out.




Gah.

Is it over, now?

An hour ago, I woke from a dream-filled sleep.
My sleep was filled with random scenes in college, movie days in 1U, Adam, movie days in Cineleisure, Wai Chuen...


But I feel.. alright.



Like last night's events really were just a... bad dream.


My eyes are still double lidded despite my long emotional let-out from a few hours ago, and I feel... light.


Like nothing really happened.





But if nothing happened last night;



Why do I feel so... numb?

Poon Wai Chuen

The last time I felt like this was when Wai Chuen broke up with me, four years ago.

It took me four years to get over it completely.



Now I've to get over this, in 2 weeks.


What have I done?



What. Have. I. Done.

There now, steady love...

I need to sleep. But I can't. I haven't been sleeping well the past 3 days.
And last night I did not and could not sleep at all.

I want to cry, I need to cry. But the tears won't come.

And I can't sleep.

I've lost my appetite, my solace...


I wonder what more will I lose in the course of the next few days.


My heart seems to be hurting with a constant pain that won't seem to go away; and without sleep, I can't escape it even for a while.
My stomach cannot stop churning (yes, you gave me that word) and I constantly feel nauseous...


I feel my strength slowly ebbing, as I fight to salvage what I still have left-


if nothing at all.