This is my time to shine.

I have never done anything fantastic in my life. Never won a competition, never really did well in school, am not extraordinarily good looking, was always on the heavy side.... was always mediocre.

I never tried hard enough or allowed myself to dream; always thinking that I must accept my mediocrity... because I was so afraid of failing. So afraid of feeling disheartened. But I now understand that not doing anything in itself, is failure. Perhaps one even bigger than actually trying and failing.

My 21st year. The hardest so far. My year to finally prove my worth.

Why the hell does my hot chocoffee taste SALTY?

Owhkay Grace and Wei Kit are going home this weekend, and coming back on the 7th and 8th. Siang, Jade and Joe are coming down on the 22nd but going traveling on the 23rd and only coming back on the 2nd of Jan. So that's pretty much all the friends I would want to spend Christmas and New Year's with.

And that also leaves me, alone. So I'm going to Reading to stay with my cousins and not be alone :(
Also since Jon is in Portsmouth (and I assume it's near to Reading HAHA) maybe I'll go hang with him a day or two.

Other news; my hair is falling off my head in bunches. No shitz.
It's like the tress in autumn, where the leaves are falling off, particularly when the wind blows. In this case, when I run my fingers through my hair a few strands come off without fail. If this keeps up I'm going to bald.

No shitz.

Then I go on facebook and see all my friends at home; clubbing, hanging out, doing shit- and I feel crappy. I wanna go back to those times where I felt safe... where I felt like I belonged.

But I suppose this is what I am supposed to feel, right? Being out on my own in a different place. Far, far away from all that I know.

But somehow I think that these feelings began some time ago, probably in the middle of form 4.

I had moved to a class where none of my clique was in and I had to sort of make close friends all over again. It was then that I lost some friends, confidence, assertion, determination and some of what used to be my huge self esteem.

Suddenly, I was in the middle.

But of course, I gained a lot as well. I made friends with my classmates (May Yi I still love you x 100) and I saw the different social circles in a whole different way- but still, I felt like I didn't belong. May Yi made everything better those two years, but when I went to college I felt the same way again.

After that I just got used to being on my own. Sitting on my own staring into space without even pretending to be texting or surfing the net on my phone, eating on my own, shopping on my own, swimming on my own- with my thoughts as company.

Even when Leyshani and I became bestfriends, I could not and would rather not hang out with anyone else other than her, May Yi and of course, Aiman.

I've become such a hermit without even noticing it- in my little shell, reluctant to come out for anything.

I miss being sure about myself, about knowing where Im supposed to go and what Im supposed to do.

Bah well enough of this self expository shit I should change my blog layout and I should go for my 9am lecture tomorrow haha I've been skipping it for the past 3 weeks because 9am is just too friggin early.


Oh right, hot chocoffee = Hot chocolate + coffee.





I wonder how is it that I don't look like I'm balding when this much of hair is falling off my head every day.



I'll be cutting my hair this weekend. Adeline once told me that when she felt like she needed to get rid of bad juju, she'd cut her hair. Made her feel liberated, she said. So that's what I'll do. Feel liberated.

No, I won't be cutting my hair.

Grace will.

You're the one thing I got right, the only one I let it inside

Today is the 1st of December, and in about a month and 2 days I will be 20 years old. I would have completed the 2nd decade of my life.

Every time my mum scolded me because I did something irresponsible, whether on purpose or by accident, I would tell her: "Mummy, I'll be responsible when I'm no longer a teenager. Currently, I still have the right to be irresponsible."

And in a month and 2 days, I will be losing this right to irresponsibility.

No more excuses when I fuck something up. Nobody can brush off my mistakes anymore, especially me, with the reason "she's just a child".

Because I am no longer a child. The time is here.



It's time to grow up.

Not really, I suppose.

You know how people always say that life is like a drive from on destination to another?

You start with the small roads, experiencing the little bumps as you drive across it.
Then you move to the bigger roads, to get where you need to go; the highways.

I have this habit of jumping headfirst into things. I always think to myself, 'just get in the car and after a bit you'll figure out where and how to get there.' I do get where I need to go... but it usually takes more time than it's supposed to, and also usually after a series of u-turns; all because I never actually plan my journey... never actually think it through properly.

And some times I don't even get to my destination because there isn't anymore time and I had to get somewhere else or the place was already closed.

There are also those times when you're driving really fast towards one destination, and then suddenly you have an epiphany that that place is not where you're supposed to go, and then you quickly signal right to take a u-turn (much to others' dismay. Especially in Malaysia, since no one ever gives way on the roads =.=) and at the very end you squeeze your way through the other cars, u-turn, and go back to where you came from so you could head back out to a different highway.


Last night I changed my mind about studying Economics during my tertiary education.
Daddy was the one who put the idea in my head... telling me that I should do something I'd actually enjoy. That got me thinking....



And now, I've turned on my right signal.

Because I need to make a u-turn.

But I'm in too deep, you know I'm such a fool for you... you've got me wrapped around your finger.

I woke up at 7.30am to do my calculus homework. And now I've like an hour to kill because I discovered that I can't go half the questions.

I. HAVE. to. stop. skipping. Coremath classes.


I skipped last Thursday sort of unintentionally.
Leysh and I went to Bangsar to kill time and ended up getting a manicure (for her) and a pedicure (for me).

I digress for a moment;
I'm damn stupid, I'm bloody broke right now but I went and splurged on a RM35 pedicure nonetheless WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?


So anyway, by the time we were done with our nails we were already 15mins late for class.
So we thought screw it lah no need go for class. Then we went to get our eyebrows threaded.

Sigh... no more of this, no more.


Yeah so last week Dina and I (plus Sin Seanne, Jebat, Jane, Wei Ping and Zean) went for the US Edu Fair.
The night before Dina, MayMay and I went to Coco Banana for some fun time. Turned out to be not so fun. Hahaha. Got this random fella following us wherever we went lucky never follow us to carpark. Scary dog.
And damn a lot Ah Peks (really Cina old men; imagine your dad going clubbing at a young adult hotspot, YES. I KNOW) there man. No, I'm not judging them, just... k fine, I am judging them, just a little.

I felt so lost at the Edu Fair. So lost that I didn't even know what to ask.
But after talking to a few people.. Quan Yuan's mom included (she's so nice I damn like her) I sorta had an idea of what I think I wanna do.

I had to start searching from scratch this year, cos last year all the Unis and Colleges I dug up on were mainly for Economics and the like... and just this year I've discovered that perhaps I'm just not cut out for Economics. With my non-analytical mind and all (YES, IT IS BUGGING ME) although I know I shouldn't take all these dumb personality tests to heart, but I did like what? 5 tests and they all told me the same thing: that my mind is just not inclined to this area.

So anyway. I have one uni and one college in mind right now: Swarthmore and Columbia.
I am aiming too high. I know it. No need to point it out. I KNOW.

Disappointment is probably imminent... but I'm going to give this a shot.



I started practicing driving with Daddy yesterday, and I am damn scared on the roads.
I am a terrible driver, I tell you. If anyone thinks Stephanie is a scared driver, wait til you sit in my car with me behind the wheel. Then you'll know who is a REALLY scared driver.

But for the sake of mobility I will get over this phase. I NEED TO. Can't stand not being able to move around.

The thought just hit me. My dad's been there for me all this while. The whole time I've been growing up.

He taught me to ride a bike on 4 wheels when I was 4yrsold, then rushed to my old primary school to take me to the dentist after I'd broken my tooth playing catching, gave me some bad memories to live with (hey, which father doesn't give you even a little of those?), came to my rescue when I did something stupid (I'm not ready to talk about it publicly, yet), and now he's teaching me to drive.

So yeah... now I know why I put up with him, all because he's my father.

And he's been there, is here, for me.


Speaking of my dad, I'd better go get ready for college now before he starts getting annoying. =.=



***








Owh Britney... I'VE MISSED YOU.

Pull it together baby giiirrrrrl.

No way to reach out

So last night I almost told him. Almost. Haha.
I've been feeling heavy all week (no, not physically as some of you, or rather MOST of you would care to point out); this feeling of a heavy, invisible weight pressing down on my chest.

Haven't felt this way since Form 4, when I went through the drastic change in circles of friends, massive realizations and major re adaptations.

Every time I tell myself not to get too attached to one person, I do exactly the same thing all over again.
Like with her, I often got so attached that I'd blow everything out of proportion, cling so close to her till she can't breathe and inadvertently struggle to get away from me.
I was always a needy person, I've been working on it.. but it seems that I've forgotten just how needy I can get.
I always tell myself not to trust to much, not to get too comfortable.
But these people.. somehow around them I want to just let go; and have been letting go. A little too much.
I forgot about the balance, I got carried away.

And now with him, I'm making exactly the same mistakes.

Like all the other times, I don't know how to fix it.
Like all the other times, I don't know what else to say.

I hold on tightly. But the tighter I hold on, the faster it seems to slip away.




***




And I sit in the darkness, hands bathed in the minimal light that is coming through my window.


And I wonder if he's with someone else.

Which of the bold face lies will we use?

You know, I thought I was over all this.
This whole... I-care-but-you-don't-care thing.
I thought I'd finally made peace with the whole situation and stuff.
I mean, I have... it's just; why did I feel a small pang when Slimy mentioned it again on the phone just now?

I came to the realization that I can't force things anymore one night in NS while I was having my usual reading session before I slept; because things just aren't meant to be.
Well, not anymore.
The realization was like a little weight lifted off my chest... and a little sinking feeling in my stomach.

So this, I promise, will be my last recorded reminiscence of us.


My fondest memories of us were the times when I'd fix your necktie on for you.
The way you'd just stand quiet for the 2 minutes (because you can NEVER stand still, even now) while I'm tying on your necktie... I wonder what was going through your mind all those times.
But I guess I'll never know.

I don't think you even remember.



So there. The end of this chapter and the entire book.
This time... I'm really letting go.

But now I see through your eyes; all that you did, was love.

Edit.
At 7pm



Desperate times, call for desperate measures.
I have to turn off my computer when I'm studying.

I know, I know.
You're probably going, "I do that all the time.." or "You don't? No wonder la...."

Yes. I get distracted easily and have to take desperate measures.

I have very little self restraint. But this will end tonight!
I will, form now on, switch off my computer completely whenever I'm studying so I won't turn my monitor back on to check on my downloads or look for more clothes or blog (like now) and in turn from all that activity start chatting on MSN anymore!

No more of this crap. No more.



I can be saved. I will be saved.



***



Trials start tomorrow....
and I feel like eating fried chicken.
Why don't I feel stressed?
I NEED to feel stressed!

But instead of feeling stressed and studying, I do online shopping and spend money on Japanese food while laughing and doing shit with friends.


I'm starting to think that I can't be saved...
In cantonese, 'mo tak kao'.






Our driver, The Rock (haha)




Shafiq the cute fat boy




Mag the fish




May "I'm so cute" Yi




Tempura Udon




Chicken and Oyster platter




Don't remember what it's called, but it's fish.




Age Oshi
Deep fried tofu with udon type of sauce
F**KING GOOD OMG.




Err... don't remember what it's called.
Very worth RM20, a variety of raw fish and hot soba.




Sushi Alaska
YUUUUMMMMYYYYYYYY













We went to Shafiq's for icecream before going to Terry's after that haha.
We wanted to go into his room, and I've never seen a cute fat boy run so fast in my life HAHAHA
He's so cute la.


Omg hungry bye