No way to reach out

So last night I almost told him. Almost. Haha.
I've been feeling heavy all week (no, not physically as some of you, or rather MOST of you would care to point out); this feeling of a heavy, invisible weight pressing down on my chest.

Haven't felt this way since Form 4, when I went through the drastic change in circles of friends, massive realizations and major re adaptations.

Every time I tell myself not to get too attached to one person, I do exactly the same thing all over again.
Like with her, I often got so attached that I'd blow everything out of proportion, cling so close to her till she can't breathe and inadvertently struggle to get away from me.
I was always a needy person, I've been working on it.. but it seems that I've forgotten just how needy I can get.
I always tell myself not to trust to much, not to get too comfortable.
But these people.. somehow around them I want to just let go; and have been letting go. A little too much.
I forgot about the balance, I got carried away.

And now with him, I'm making exactly the same mistakes.

Like all the other times, I don't know how to fix it.
Like all the other times, I don't know what else to say.

I hold on tightly. But the tighter I hold on, the faster it seems to slip away.




***




And I sit in the darkness, hands bathed in the minimal light that is coming through my window.


And I wonder if he's with someone else.