Saturday, October 20, 2018

I have been feeling anxious lately.

Anxious for no particular reason.

I have so many things to be thankful for in my life; one can’t expect life to be completely smooth because that’s not how it works. I know this.

So why does this anxiousness still plague me?

It was triggered by that encounter with Ezra.
Which I have a part to play - I admit.

Ezra was complaining about the house being covered in cat shit - because there was shit stuck to Misa’s Butt fur. Because she doesn’t have a tail. Because he ran over her tail with Ethan’s car.

This is not the first time this conversation has come up between Ezra and Ethan, and usually, I keep silent.
But this day, I did not. I don’t know what compelled me to speak, but speak I did.
I told him it’s his fault her shit is everywhere.
He got triggered and insisted that it wasn’t his fault she ran in front of the car after he had moved her to the side.
I asked him why he was driving Ethan’s car in the first place.
He said “what? She can recognise cars now is it? Is that what you’re telling me?”
I was silent.
He said “maybe I should’ve just killed her”
I said “yeah maybe you should’ve”
He then proceeded to grab the nape of her neck; she hisses at him, but limp in his grip.
“She’s innocent put her down” I thought
“You want me to do this? Is this what you want?” I don’t actually remember him saying this, but it feels like he did.
I was silent.
Ethan tried to pacify him, telling him to put the cat down.
He continues to swing her around.
I stand up and start my phone recording.
Ezra sees me recording, and his grip loosens on her for a moment, when Ethan reaches around him and grabs misa from his grip.

Ezra proceeds to the front door shortly after to leave, but then turns around and says to me “don’t fucking test me and then get scared when I actually do it” and he walks off.

What happened right after that, I would perhaps describe it as my soul... splitting into two parts.

One part completely evil and the other completely good.

If a soul comprised of good and evil, I suppose.

And ever since then, I have been having anxiety. I call it anxiety because my heart will beat very quickly, my stomach will either be churning or in knots, and I would feel a sense of general foreboding which nothing I think of can quell.

That night and many nights after, my ‘evil’ part of my soul took over.


And though I have rationalised it all in my head,


(To be continued)

Thursday, March 22, 2018

你满意吗?我们都别说谎

So I kicked my wardrobe door which has a glass panel about a month back.
Not on purpose, of course, accidentally.
I’ve kicked it accidentally many times over the last 15 years, but this time - it broke.
Not like shattered glass all over the floor, more like a giant crack; starting at the point where I had kneed it, two long cracks going diagonally up to the right and diagonally down to the left, joining at the point of first impact and forming a sort of isosceles triangle balancing on a point.

Well I continued about what I was doing for a bit after that when I noticed there was a slight niggling sharp pain on my left toe - it was a shard of glass that had broken off when I kneed the glass.
I use my eyebrow tweezers and stuck it into my flesh where the shard was embedded and extracted it. There was quite a bit of blood and a little too much pain for such a small wound.

My dad has cancer. We found out about a month back.
He got it operated on - the doctor said he got out all the cancerous bits but there’s still some random cells floating around we think but in any case, he’s sort of all fine now, from the outside.... but just for now.

I haven’t put anything over the isosceles triangle over the past month because it looked like it was fine. I mean, it’s definitely broken, but it’s still in its place. Only that little piece of glass had fallen off and stuck me in the big toe.

The isosceles triangle and my dad have that in common, amongst other things. Broken, but not completely shattered yet.
Both will never go back to the way they used to be - and that is just how it is.

Tonight, after about a month, I dug out some duct tape and taped over the crack just so the isosceles triangle wouldn’t shatter. I put off doing this for a month, because maybe, I did not want to accept that the glass panel was broken and about to fall to pieces.

I have accepted it now. But duct tape and a pair of scissors are  all I have to hold my isosceles triangle together. I wonder how long will it hold... I wonder how long will I hold.

Friday, February 24, 2012

So here's to silence, that cuts me to the core

I think I need to get back to blogging.


I'm becoming this recluse that just needs to get out more.

No, I'm not studying very hard. No, I'm not hardcore applying for jobs.

And no, I'm not partying. At all.



So what HAVE I been doing?

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