This the ultimate emo song. I suppose the wreck of MY day was the lamb stew which I burnt after almost 3 hours of stewing.
Oh, and all the other shit which I leave unaddressed because I just can't be bothered. And then when I look back and think of all the things I could've and should've done but didn't do I ask myself: Why? When the reason is clear really. I just couldn't be arsed. So now I have to live with the memory of what could have been.
I miss Grace. I am ashamed to say that I am feeling lost and alone without her. I have got no one to ping when Im feeling annoyed or when I've discovered some good food, no one to ping when I'm bored, no one to tell me not to do things I shouldn't be doing.
And as usual, I am losing touch with the people who matter. Happened with May when I went to college, and now with Leysha. I will make more effort, I promise.
It's 1.05am, and I don't feel like sleeping. My mind is on a roll tonight, whole bunch of random things going around in my head. I am feeling strangely numb, and a little empty.
I know I should stop feeling like this, because it brings Aiman down. I need to stop feeling so shitty. I need to start looking forward, and stop faltering.
Since I got here, I've just been trudging ahead. Looking straight, lifting one foot forward and then the other and not stopping to look around, because I know if I do I'll notice that I'm actually really quite lost. So I just keep walking.
Even this blog, which has become deserted. Feels like you were once in a room telling the many people gathered to listen, but now the room is empty, and only your voice echos off the walls.
Then you sit there, by yourself.
Listening to the sound of your own voice. Reverberating, loud and clear.
Owhkay Grace and Wei Kit are going home this weekend, and coming back on the 7th and 8th. Siang, Jade and Joe are coming down on the 22nd but going traveling on the 23rd and only coming back on the 2nd of Jan. So that's pretty much all the friends I would want to spend Christmas and New Year's with.
And that also leaves me, alone. So I'm going to Reading to stay with my cousins and not be alone :(
Also since Jon is in Portsmouth (and I assume it's near to Reading HAHA) maybe I'll go hang with him a day or two.
Other news; my hair is falling off my head in bunches. No shitz.
It's like the tress in autumn, where the leaves are falling off, particularly when the wind blows. In this case, when I run my fingers through my hair a few strands come off without fail. If this keeps up I'm going to bald.
No shitz.
Then I go on facebook and see all my friends at home; clubbing, hanging out, doing shit-
and I feel crappy. I wanna go back to those times where I felt safe... where I felt like I belonged.
But I suppose this is what I am supposed to feel, right? Being out on my own in a different place. Far, far away from all that I know.
But somehow I think that these feelings began some time ago, probably in the middle of form 4.
I had moved to a class where none of my clique was in and I had to sort of make close friends all over again. It was then that I lost some friends, confidence, assertion, determination and some of what used to be my huge self esteem.
Suddenly, I was in the middle.
But of course, I gained a lot as well. I made friends with my classmates (May Yi I still love you x 100) and I saw the different social circles in a whole different way- but still, I felt like I didn't belong. May Yi made everything better those two years, but when I went to college I felt the same way again.
After that I just got used to being on my own. Sitting on my own staring into space without even pretending to be texting or surfing the net on my phone, eating on my own, shopping on my own, swimming on my own- with my thoughts as company.
Even when Leyshani and I became bestfriends, I could not and would rather not hang out with anyone else other than her, May Yi and of course, Aiman.
I've become such a hermit without even noticing it- in my little shell, reluctant to come out for anything.
I miss being sure about myself, about knowing where Im supposed to go and what Im supposed to do.
Bah well enough of this self expository shit I should change my blog layout and I should go for my 9am lecture tomorrow haha I've been skipping it for the past 3 weeks because 9am is just too friggin early.
Oh right, hot chocoffee = Hot chocolate + coffee.
I wonder how is it that I don't look like I'm balding when this much of hair is falling off my head every day.
I'll be cutting my hair this weekend. Adeline once told me that when she felt like she needed to get rid of bad juju, she'd cut her hair. Made her feel liberated, she said. So that's what I'll do. Feel liberated.
No,
I won't be cutting my hair.
Grace will.
Labels: emocrap, random update, self discovery
Tuesday, December 01, 2009, 10:54 AM
You're the one thing I got right, the only one I let it inside
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Today is the 1st of December, and in about a month and 2 days I will be 20 years old. I would have completed the 2nd decade of my life.
Every time my mum scolded me because I did something irresponsible, whether on purpose or by accident, I would tell her: "Mummy, I'll be responsible when I'm no longer a teenager. Currently, I still have the right to be irresponsible."
And in a month and 2 days, I will be losing this right to irresponsibility.
No more excuses when I fuck something up. Nobody can brush off my mistakes anymore, especially me, with the reason "she's just a child".
Because I am no longer a child. The time is here.
It's time to grow up.
Labels: self discovery
Driving away from the wreck of the day
Cool Curly Haired Aiman (:O BABYKINS!)
