I don't know.

Edit.
at 9:02pm




She was woken from a deep sleep by a pounding at the door.

"Girl, get up! We're leaving now."

Groggily she looked around, her right hand reached for the silver antique clock on her bedside table. The time showed 5pm.

"Its still so early.." she muttered to herself.

She lay back down for a few minutes, waiting for the grogginess to fade.
Getting up a short while later, she heded to the bathroom to take a shower.

"Hurry up! I'm waiting!"

She heard her father bellow from downstairs, and she hurried.
2 minutes later he bellowed again.
She was getting very annoyed.

She stomped down the stairs and into the car.

"Are you angry at me?" her father asked impatiently.
"No, I'm not." answered she with cool indifference.
"Get out of the car."

She didn't budge.

"GET OUT OF THE CAR!"

She still didn't budge.
He got into the car and put the gear into reverse.

"There can only be one tiger on the mountain. And that is ME. No matter what you say, I am STILL the man of this family. Your mother is saving up to send you overseas in the near future, I say if you're going to keep this attitude you won't be able to survive there." he lectured

She kept quiet.
Her heart felt too heavy, her mind was reeling, her head was pounding.

"I am not your slave. I have to work, too, you know? And after work I have to come back and drive you to your tuitions. I have enough to handle in one day." he continued

"I didn't ask you to send me. Mum did." She retorted in return.

"YOU KEEP ANSWERING BACK! F*** YOU, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BIG? YOU ARE STILL MY DAUGHTER AND I AM YOUR FATHER I DESERVE A LITTLE RESPECT!"

She didn't say a word.

"I had a bad day today. Had to attend a fierce meeting and ended up arguing with everyone. I am not in a good mood so don't show me your sour face."

She felt everything from earlier on in the day bubble up to the surface.
All those strong emotions; dissapointment, self-directed anger and uncried tears just blew up in her face.
She began sobbing hard and tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, owhkay? I got carried away. I'm having a bad day, too, you know?? Think about me for once.." She said in between choked sobs.

"Fine, at least you apologize. I'll accept that. Whats wrong now?" he allowed

"I'm never good enough for anyone or anything. I never get what I want, never. Good things don't seem to ever happen to me. I really wanted it.." she continued, still choking on her sobs

"You know this is what life is. Shit happens all the time." he said in his usual rough voice.

And for once, they agreed.

"I'm sorry, dad, owhkay?"



When inside, one of her good friends remarked,

"You look pretty when you cry. And I haven't seen you cry in awhile, so that means you haven't looked pretty in awhile. HAHAHA."

And she laughed through her tears.



p/s: My mom has finally agreed to let me get my driver's license. THANK YOU, LORD. And mom. :)




***




I hate saying that phrase.
I don't know.

But I seem to be saying it very often lately.
When I speak with friends or teachers, when I monologue to myself.
I don't know.

The reason why I hate that phrase so much is because I hate not knowing things.
I hate being asked a question I cannot answer.
I hate blowing things up, cos I know that when I ask myself what happened, the answer will be obvious:
I don't know.


And the real reason why I hate that phrase so much?
Is because in actual fact, I know that I know.








I just don't want to admitt it to myself.